Positive Thought vs Mind Training

We hear a lot of talk about positive thought and it often seems the message that comes across is “think positive and your life will be all wonderful and great”. I am a big fan of thinking positively but I do not believe that thinking positive alone has too great an impact on the quality of one’s life. The reason I say this is because I do not think it is possible for positive thought to be sustainable as a mindset without gaining a true understanding of the deeper beliefs that we hold. We create our lives depending on our dominant beliefs and I believe it is the improving of the quality of our dominant beliefs that improves the quality of our lives.

How do you present yourself to others? When you find yourself conversing about love, career, money, or world views what do you say? Do you look at your relationships and say people can’t be trusted and will eventually do you wrong? How about your career and money? Do you talk about all the reasons you cannot do work you love or that you can never be rich because it doesn’t matter how hard you work there is never enough money to go around? Do you find that you become most passionate when talking about types of people that are wrong and the cause of all the bad in the world? What you say when talking about these kinds of topics is a good indicator of the core beliefs that govern your life.

If you want to bring more happiness and positivity into your life it takes evaluating these core beliefs to determine how you developed them and how to change them if they are holding you back. Usually if your beliefs revolve around feelings of lack, fear, judgment, envy, and doubt, they are holding you back. So how does one change their beliefs and train their mind? It is much like developing a fitness training program.

First you must make the decision that you want to go into training. Your willingness is crucial to make change of any kind happen. Then you must decide the kind of program you want to engage in. Do you want to hire a trainer and go into it full steam or do you want to develop your own program and have more control in choosing the pace? Be honest with yourself about how self-disciplined you are. Are you the person who won’t work out unless you go to the gym or do you make your mind up you are going to work out at a certain time doing certain exercises and keep like clockwork to your schedule?

Either way changing your beliefs is going to require doing exercises on your own because it is the repetition of replacing old harmful beliefs with new helpful ones that makes the shift happen. Finding a life coach, therapist, or counselor (trainer) will be helpful to get you in touch with the beliefs that you hold and evaluating whether they help or hinder your happiness. They will also be helpful in keeping you accountable for doing the necessary exercises at home because they will ask you to talk about the work you are doing out of session when you meet.

The exercises that help change your beliefs include: Saying affirmations, visualizing, educating yourself, and learning thought replacement strategies. I will go through each of these individually.

Saying Affirmations: Affirmations are a statement you make that uses positive language in the present tense that states what you want to be true for yourself. Once you identify the belief you want to work on changing you can develop affirmations to help you replace that belief. Affirmations are something you want to say every day at least once if not more. They are to be read out loud so your whole body can vibrate and resonate in the words you want to become your internal truth. A quick search for affirmations on Google will provide you plenty of examples to help get you started. Some examples of affirmations include:

“Every day I am becoming more aware of what I prioritize and tend to focus on. I prioritize my goals. I focus on all I have to value”

“Only I choose what is true for me. From now on I release any belief that is toxic or dishonoring in any way”

“I am increasingly confident in my ability to create the life I desire”

“I am creating my life according to my dominant beliefs; and I am improving the quality of those beliefs”   

Visualizing: We all visualize all the time. That mental movie you play in your head when you plan out a conversation you want to have with someone or activities you plan on engaging in at some point in the future, are visualizations. They are actually quite powerful. We know from science that the same regions of our brain will fire when we think about an event happening as when we actually experience the event. So when you are upset with your partner and you are playing over in your head the argument you are going to have when you see them later, that actually causes your body and mind to respond as if you are having that argument. This causes those negative vibrations to circulate through your body and sets you up to hold on to that negativity and most likely argue with your partner later when you see them. Think about the idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy, what you think it shall become. This is the heart of visualizing. So if you instead play that movie in your head to show what you want to happen in your life, you fill your mind and body with those positive vibrations and set in motion your creative power to bring your visualizations to reality.

You can and will do this both consciously and unconsciously throughout the day. However, taking time to quite yourself and do focused visualizations will allow you to be detailed and purposeful in developing a clear mental picture of who you will be and what life will be like with your new, helpful beliefs.

Educating Yourself: Living in the technological era we have access to vast resources that provide volumes of information to supplement our self-improvement efforts. I watch youtube video’s all the time and have yet to run out of informational videos on topic’s of which I am interested. I find books for pretty cheap on any subject I am interested on Amazon. Just using a search engine like Google or Bing on a topic will lead you in the direction of finding information. The key is to understand everything you see/read on the internet is not necessarily true. But you can usually find out how credible a resource is by doing another search about the author or organization. I highly recommend checking out some videos or purchasing some books on topics such as: The Power of Thoughts, the Law of Attraction, Prosperity Consciousness, etc.

Learning Thought Replacement Strategies: A big part of changing your thought processes is learning to catch old unwanted thought processes in action and being able to stop and replace them. It requires some discipline to raise your awareness so that you become effective at stopping these thoughts so be gentle on yourself if it takes some time to develop this skill. Be aware that it is a skill and like any other skill takes practice to develop. The idea is that whenever you notice you are thinking unhelpful thoughts, stop and tell yourself “thank you thought for your concern but you are not helpful and I dismiss you”. Then immediately reframe the thought. If you were thinking “I am too unqualified to get the job” say instead “ I have many strengths that make me a great candidate and I can learn anything I need to once I have the job” Or something like that. Another strategy is to think of your thoughts like a movie that is playing. When you find you’re having a negative thought visualize taking a scissors to the movie reel and cutting out that negative bit and then play the movie without it. Working with a counselor or therapist can be very beneficial to gain assistance in learning to replace negative thoughts.

Now that I have emphasized the importance of evaluating your beliefs and training your mind to change your beliefs to better suit your desire for a happy and healthy life, I would like to say a word about positive thinking. By all means think positive! It is good for you to think positive thoughts and will make you feel good. My point is that to be able to sustain having a happy and healthy life your belief system has to support that desire. Your life is your masterpiece. Create a beautiful one!

Canvas

Going forth from the pearly gates of the charmed city the countryside opened and what lay before me was uninhibited freedom and adventure. Westward bound led the way to the great tidings of this majestic land and so began the constructing of my adult life. 

I developed the landscape of my mind by climbing mighty trees and mountains. I added color to this landscape with ribbons of music, friendships, and intellectual pursuits. A constantly evolving master piece is in creation. The background is set, it will never change. The open canvas of the foreground is white, it is opportunity, hope, possibilities, and love. It is my masterpiece and it is beautiful! Aloha!!

Understanding ADHD

Recently I discovered a doctor who offers a way of explaining ADHD that has helped me tremendously in my understanding of how the disorder effects the brain and giving me insights to help guide my practice in helping individuals who have ADHD. I summarized some of the key Ideas I gathered from him. His name is Dr. Russell Barkley and he has many videos on Youtube that provide helpful information for understanding ADHD and strategies to use to successfully manage challenges associated with having ADHD.

ADHD Explained: ADHD is really a disorder of executive functioning. It is a neurogenetic disorder that causes significant delay in acquisition of 5 key executive functions.

1. Waiting- Individuals with ADHD lack the ability to use their frontal lobe processing to “stop and think” before responding. They instead experience a stimulus and then have a response.

2. Visual Imagery (The mind’s eye)- In a neurotypical brain individuals first when responding to a stimulus use hindsight (imagery of the relevant past) and then foresight (imagery of potential future scenarios) to inform decision making. Individuals with ADHD lack this ability

3. Talk to Self (The mind’s voice)- Neurotypical individuals also use self-talk to work out situations and make a conscious choice to use self-control)

4. Motivate Self from within (The mind’s heart)- The individual with ADHD must have immediate consequences. This is why they can play video games for hours but not complete a worksheet. Video games provide constant consequences both positive and negative in real time. A worksheet does absolutely nothing when it is completed. Individuals with ADHD as part of the neurogenetic deficit lack a sense of time and only function in the here and now. This is not a choice or willful misbehavior, it is an internal neurogenetic executive failure that causes them to not self-motivate. This presents as an individual who is quick to anger, easily frustrated, or has elevated emotional response. It is a lack of ability to regulate emotions.  

5. Problem Solving (The mind’s playground)- Individuals with ADHD lack effective problem solving ability. This also relates the fact they have no subjective sense of time. They cannot plan ahead effectively and lack the ability to see multiple future options. This presents when we see lack of emotional regulation or self-soothing ability as well as obvious lack in general to solve problems.

Additionally mixed in with all of this the brain of an individual with ADHD has little to no working memory. This is the memory that allows us to remember what we are doing at any given time. Once a child with ADHD gets distracted they are not able to remember what they were doing as a result of this deficit in executive function.

Please copy and paste the following link to learn more from Dr. Barkley

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tpB-B8BXk0&list=PLO83EDv1M-xzW8gQd7QFw0z6Mi_ybyDeS&index=7

Want a Better Quality of Life? Set and Follow a Healthy Routine

If you had asked me 10 years ago how I felt about following a set routine day in and day out I likely would have scoffed and said something to the effect of “how boring”. Sure I would have agreed that children and teenagers need structure and routine to help them be successful but the thought of carrying that logic to me as an adult, no way. For a long time I thought that following a routine would make my life too rigid and lack spontaneity. I have a high need for fun in my life and tend to be quite weary of any life changes that could threaten my ability to have fun.

Fast forward ten years and ask me today how I feel about following a set routine and I will say I love it because it helps me feel balanced and healthy. My daily routine is completely predictable and guess what? I still have lots of fun and find ways to be spontaneous. So how do I manage to be predictable and spontaneous at the same time? I determine what actions I need to take every day to bring balance and well being into my life and fit everything else in accordingly. This includes when I wake and go to sleep, what I eat and drink, when I exercise, and when I work.

I may wake up and go to bed a little later on the weekends but for the most part I keep to my routine and reap the benefits. I notice since settling into my current routine I have more energy, more motivation to work towards my goals, my thought processes are clearer and more positive, and I feel good about myself. I am still able to be spontaneous and fun by being adventurous on the weekends or after work and don’t feel like my routine is too rigid or boring.

I have learned firsthand that living with structure and routine is just as beneficial for adults as it is for children. In fact I look back and laugh when I think about my former beliefs because I realize I was more rigid and stubborn with my thoughts 10 years ago then I am now. I understand now when I look back that I was so attached to being a certain way that I actually limited myself from reaching my full potential. What a paradox that in structuring my life more I have found myself to feel more free. 

If you find yourself having that nagging feeling that your life could be so much better consider looking to your routine and making changes that give your day more structure and attention to actions that benefit your well being. Start with setting a bedtime and a waking time. Designate time just for you every day. Use this “you” time to write in a journal, meditate, play music, read, or any hobby type activity that brings you joy and engages your mind. Schedule time into your morning routine to say positive affirmations and acknowledge things you are grateful for and give thanks. This puts you in a positive mindset to start your day and can be done in 5-10 minutes. Make time to exercise by planning to get up and move around every day. If you have trouble finding time for exercise then fit movement into your schedule by parking further away and taking the stairs whenever possible. From this point you can tweak and make adjustments to your routine to fit your personal style. The point is that you take control and create your day to support your well being and attainment of your goals.

What do you think about structuring your life and routine? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Let’s Keep Some Perspective: Good Does Happen

I’m sure I am not alone in feeling overwhelmed and deeply saddened by the extreme rise in violence we have been seeing lately with police brutality and the deadly retaliation efforts making the ultimate statement of disapproval. Not only have we been bombarded with violence due to racial difference and fair treatment but a quick peruse through Yahoo will yield stories of hate crimes because of sexual preference, gender identification, religion, and ethnicity. Then add for flare your stories of domestic violence and rape or sex trade cases and the sum total is a picture of the world as a terrible, unsafe, and doomed home for us all.   

While I believe it is important to inform of tragic events especially related to crimes of hate so that we the people are informed and able to hold discussions about how to solve these problems; I feel discouraged of how disproportionate the reporting of negative events are to the positive that happens. I do not believe the negative occurrences outweigh the positive in the world. I believe it only appears so because of how we report current events. I would like to challenge individuals, especially those who do publish their musings in forums such as blogs, to write more about good happening.

So many people are wondering through life unsure of quite who they want to be or simply longing to feel a connection to others. They are looking for a “train” to come by so they can jump on board. They go about their days interacting with people such as co-workers, store clerks, gym members, or bar friends. These people with whom they interact share their thoughts about events and happenings and for individuals waiting for their train to come by they find themselves jumping on board swept away by the momentum of the moment. They want to relate and feel a part of something and before they put a lot of conscious thought into their beliefs and values find themselves supporting the beliefs set forth by the train conductor who has just picked them up.

This kind of chain reaction happens all the time. I know for myself I have had this happen to me when a co-worker or group of co-workers starts talking gossip. The pull to be a part of the group and that feeling of belonging is strong. More than once I have had to catch myself and say “what the hell are you doing Kerri? You don’t believe in this kind of talk” and pull myself away. I want to put my energy into creating positivity to share with the world. So for today I am going to write a top 10 list of good things I have personally seen happen. Leave a comment and share the positive you have seen happening in your life lately.

Top 10 Good Happens List

1. A lady I work with cares so much about the students she has been coming in all summer even though she is not paid to do so to prepare for the next school year

2. I saw a great musician performing for free during a town event

3. I often see teachers and other school staff bring snacks to feed students who are hungry and without food

4. I saw a tourist out in the ocean scared and over their head with the waves and three people swam over to help him get safely to shore

5. A lady I work with donated a kidney to a family member in need

6. I went to a really cool car show that was a food drive for the local food bank

7. I went to a zoo that has free admission

8. My favorite festival, the Girdwood Forest Fair, offers tons of great music and is entirely run by volunteers and is free

9. The town I live in has a community garden where people volunteer their time to plant and keep the garden beautiful. It is placed inside a walking track so you can get your exercise while looking off into the beautifully landscaped gardens

10. Whenever I want to learn something new I can pull up a youtube video and learn how to do it for free

Self-Care Routines to Fit Any Schedule

As a counselor working in the mental health field I hear the term self care thrown around a lot. But what is self care really and why is it so important? Well, the practice of self care is truly how it sounds, it means taking the time to do activities or take actions that nurture the self. That is pretty simple right?? What I have noticed however is that most people believe they are in a time famine and they simply do not have the time for self care. This leads to overstressed employee’s and burn out, parent’s loss of patience for their children, marital tension, and feelings of frustration and hopelessness.  

Life is going to throw us up’s and downs that is unavoidable. But we have great power to change our experiences with day to day stressors by making the time to do self care activities. How do we make time when we feel we are in a time famine? We change our thinking (check out my power of thoughts blog) about how we structure our day and make it a priority to set time aside for self care. It is kind of like developing a budget. The most commonly offered bit of advice for saving money is to pay yourself first. Anyone who has done this will attest that once you make the habit of taking a percentage of your pay as soon as you get your paycheck and put it into savings; you will adjust your budget to fit the remaining amount of money to pay your expenses. The same will be true when you designate time for self care; you will fit what needs to be done into the remaining hours of the day.

You likely are very busy and depending on demands for your time may have only a small amount of time to designate to self care. Just like creating a budget to pay yourself first, you will budget what time you can afford. The point is that you do budget time for self care. So what do I mean by self care? Self care activities are actions that simply bring you peace, joy, or relaxation. You can do this for 5 minutes a couple times a day or take an entire day off to enjoy as you see fit.  Check out the idea’s below and choose some that will fit into your schedule and watch your stress levels lessen and your thoughts improve.

5 minute self care activities

1. Take a break and stretch

2. Write a thank you note to someone special

3. Step outside and take 10 deep breaths

4. Walk around the yard

5. Say affirmations

6. Write personal goals

7. De-clutter your desk

8. Jam out and dance

9. Or just Jam out to a favorite song

10. Take an extra 5 minutes in a hot shower

11. Help someone

12. Write out 10 great attributes about yourself

13. Wear something that feels great on your skin

14. Color in a coloring book

15. Close your eyes and put a hot towel across your face (add essential oil for aromatherapy)

16. Walk through a garden or smell a flower

17. Pull out your smart phone and find 5 beautiful things to take a picture of

18. Stand outside and soak in the sun

19. Take a different route to work (bonus points for using back roads)

20. Stare at the clouds or stars depending on the time of day

    30 minute self care activities

21. Take a walk

22. Complete a lingering task on your “to-do” list

23. Connect with a friend (in person or by phone)

24. Get a hair cut

25. Clean out your email and unsubscribe from unwanted sites

26. Take a scented bath

27. Take a dog for a walk

28. Review your personal goals and pick one to work towards

29. Read for pleasure

30. Take a quick nap

31. In a notebook write out on one page all your troubling thoughts and on another page a gratitude list. Then rip out the troubling thoughts page and throw it away.

32. Cuddle with a loved one

33. Be social. Talk to someone at work, the bus stop, or the coffee shop

34. Light candles, play relaxing music, and sit in silence

35. Listen to a motivational speaker

36. Make something crafty (Check pintrest for ideas)

37. Plan a healthy menu to eat for the week

38. Watch videos or look at pictures of your loved ones

39. Fix something that has been bothering you

40. Get lost in your thoughts (positive ones that is) Dream big!

    1 hour or more self care activities

41. Take yourself on a date doing an activity you loved as a child

42. Go out and see some live music

43. Join a fitness class such as yoga, Pilates, or Zumba

44. Join a book club

45. Help someone else

46. Go to a local park and feed the birds (if allowed)

47. Meet a friend for a picnic

48. Take a scenic drive

49. Listen to an inspirational audio tape

50. Get a massage

51. Unplug and go for an overnight trip

52. Do some gardening

53. Go for a swim

54. Get your teeth cleaned

55. Clean your closet of clothes you do not wear and donate them

56. Cut out images from magazines that represent your goals and make a vision board

57. Prepare a healthy meal

58. Try a new restaurant with a friend and order something out of your norm

59. Take a trip to a lake or the ocean and skip stones

60. Go to a public area and smile at passer by’s

Overcoming Obstacles and Finding Balance

When I decided I wanted to start a blog I sat with my eyes closed and searched the confines of my mind to find the best words to describe not only what I want to offer in my blog but words that speak to who I am. Balance was the first word that came to mind. I find in all aspects of my life I am always talking about having a healthy balanced life. When I provide counseling services to individuals, I talk about finding balance in life. I do the same with my friends and I do the same when I talk to myself. If I had to say what is the most important factor needed for an individual to live in peace and find happiness, I would say living a balanced life.

Of course this is a loaded statement. In order to live in balance an individual has to take certain actions to bring their lives into balance. This is where the heart and mind come in. I knew I wanted to express the importance of balance but what about it? How do we attain balance? Well we use the vast resources of our minds to think, analyze, process, define, and develop who we want to be and what kind of actions we need to take to get there. But using the mind only is not enough, we need the heart to guide our minds to drive our desire and passion so we have an emotional connection to becoming who we want to be. When we love what we are doing our chances of success skyrocket and goals become attainable. This thought process was the heart of mind heart balance.

So then, how do we overcome obstacles and find balance in our lives? It starts with sitting with oneself and getting honest about who we want to be and how we see our ideal life. This is where we get to dream big and let it all out. In order to do this effectively we have to specifically define what exactly it is that we want. To simply say I want to be rich will likely not yield any results. Why do you want to be rich? What will it pay for that you so badly want? I know I want to be rich but that is because I want to be able buy a house in Hawaii with lots of privacy on a decent amount of land with a killer ocean view and lots of fruit trees and beautiful landscaping. I also want to buy a beautiful house in Colorado that is much the same accept with a view of the mountains and probably a few less fruit trees. The reason I want this is to be able to continue living in Hawaii most of the time because I love living here but I also miss my family on the mainland. I want to be rich so I can bounce back to the mainland anytime and be closer to family so I can spend time with them.

Only thinking about getting rich though even if well defined will not bring your life to balance. We have all heard that money does not buy happiness. What else do you want for your life? Think about health, social, emotional, education, and career. Once you can define what you want for yourself in each of these categories and really put your heart into it, fire up that great mind of yours and start writing these wants into goals. Use a notebook and for each goal use a separate page. The main reason we tend to get so stumped by obstacles in our path is that we make these grand goals for ourselves but fail to set smaller goals or objectives to help us work towards our goals in a realistic achievable manner. Once you have your goals all written out on separate pieces of paper it is time to go back and on each page start writing smaller goals that will set you in action towards reaching your goals. Try writing one thing you can do every day that will put you in action mode, two things you can do within the week, three things you can do within the month, four things you can do within six months, five things you can do within the year, six things you can do within 5 years, and 7 things you can do within 10 years.

Make this a dynamic journal that can be modified and changed as life happens and circumstances change. Maybe write in pencil or make a digital journal on your computer    so you can edit your goals as needed. We know obstacles will present themselves and we will have to adjust. Accept this as part of the process and tell yourself so long as you keep sight on your goal and remain willing to take actions steps towards your goal and edit them as needed a solution will present itself. In short the way to overcome obstacles is to continue to take action towards your goals no matter how small. So long as you remain willing to take action and do something every day, you will gain momentum and overtime you will progress and reach your goals as long as your goals are defined and specific. What action will you take today towards living your dreams? Leave a comment and let me know.

Back to School: A Parent’s Guide to Getting Off to a Great Start

The lazy days of summer are coming to an end and the school year is fast approaching. This can bring on stress for families as they adjust schedules and prepare for sending kids off to school and making sure their children have all the supplies they need. It is easy to get wrapped up in the crazy scramble to get it all together and as a result feel overwhelmed and stressed out. This guide is meant to help parent’s get the family prepared for the school year so everyone can get off to a great start.

1. Start preparing children for the transition to the school year by having a family meeting two weeks before the first day of school. Turn off all distractions and make sure no one brings their cell phone to the table. Start by discussing that the school year will be starting in two weeks and that schedules and routines will be changing. Together with the children talk about bedtimes, wake up times, homework time, play time, after school activities, weekends, and chores. Let everyone share what they think would be fair timeframes. Then together compromise times that everyone can live with. This is especially important with older children as they are developing more need for independence and control in their lives. When the family works together to decide the rules it helps take away the power struggle when rules are broken in the future. (i.e. you agreed when we decided together what would be a fair bedtime so we are sticking to what we all agreed to)

2. After everyone agrees to the schedule and timeframes, discuss what will happen if these rules are broken or the schedule is not followed. What will be the consequences for coming home late, not going to bed (or turning off technology) at the set time, waking up late, not doing homework, or not doing chores? Again compromise until everyone agrees on consequences they can live with. Make sure to talk about use of computers/cell phones/video games. Remember even children who bought their own computers/cell phones/video consoles and feel entitled to use them whenever they want likely don’t pay for the power to run them. Taking away chargers is a highly effective consequence.

3. Type or write up everything that is agreed upon and have everyone sign a copy. Make an extra copy and place it on the refrigerator. You may also want to discuss what your expectations are for making exceptions to the schedule such as asking at least a day in advance etc. Address also what your expectations are for when children say they have no homework to do during homework time. Having them read is an excellent option.

4. One week before school starts bring everyone to the table again. Have the children state what was agreed upon including the expectations and consequences. As they relate what they recall provide positive reinforcement by telling them how proud you are of them for remembering. Then read through the agreement and look to see if anything was forgotten. Remind them of any forgotten bits and then have them repeat what you say to make sure they understand. Again have everyone state they agree to the expectations and consequences.  

5. Three days before school starts have children start waking and going to bed at their school night bedtime.

6. It is extremely important that parents stick to the agreed schedule from the very first day of school. If children come home from the first day of school and are able to manipulate the schedule it will be 10 times harder to gain compliance from day one forward. They have to see that the boundaries are set and firm or they will push and rebel trying to buck the system set in place. They will not likely have homework on the first day of school but they can organize their binders and backpacks (another great option when they say they have no homework during the year) or they can read at the table.

7. Praise and reward! Make sure to catch your children being good. When they wake up on time, tell them how awesome they are. Do the same for every expectation they follow. Surprise them with a reward during the week when they have been consistently meeting the expectations. Rewards could be going out for an ice cream cone, going to the park and playing with the child, or letting them pick a movie that the family watches together. The most powerful rewards involve you giving time to your child. The most common complaint I hear from the children I work with is that they just want their parents to spend time with them doing something fun.

8. If expectations are broken address the issue with the child in a calm firm manner. If you yell and become demanding the child will most likely rebel more and pull you into a power struggle. Research has proven that physical or emotional punishment only teaches children to become sneakier. It may appear on the surface that you have scared them into complying but chances are all you have taught them is how to avoid your wrath by developing the ability to be sneaky and deceitful. Instead, calmly tell them they broke the expectation, the agreed consequence, that you still love them and believe in them that they will do better moving forward. Children need to know that mistakes are a part of learning and it is okay to make mistakes. However, mistakes come with consequences and part of the learning process is accepting the consequence and then moving forward hopefully not making the same mistake again.

9. Did I mention praise and reward? Oh yeah, I did…let’s say it again because it is that important! Children need attention. They will adapt to get whatever attention they can be it good or bad. Help them develop self-esteem and confidence by giving them positive attention, often. Smile at them, ask them how their day went, hug them, and tell them all the things they do right. As a result they will learn to love the positive attention and learn to seek the positive attention over the negative.

10. Make time to care for yourself (check out my self-care blog). Everyday do something that nurtures you. Take a 5 minute walk before or after work or get in the car and turn up your favorite tunes. Even the busiest person can fit in 5 minutes to do something loving for themselves. Hug and kiss your significant other if you have one every day. Make plans to get a babysitter and go do something fun at least once a week, even if you can only get away for an hour.

    Setting these strategies in place right from the start of the year will reduce your stress greatly. Children need structure and routine to be successful and you their parents have the power to set them up for success. Remember to breath, smile, and tell yourself it’s going to be a great year!

5 to 1 Gets the Job Done

In the education world we hear the phrase 5 to 1 gets the job done quite often. What does it mean you ask? 5 to 1 means every one time you provide a correction to a student there should be five positive statements given to balance the negative effect of the correction. The ideology that supports this kind of treatment towards school children is nothing new. It has its roots in therapies such as applied behavioral analysis which has been around since the sixties. By the eighties a man named Randy Sprick was publishing books on how to successfully run a classroom without relying on punitive measures to control the children proposing instead to implement proactive and positive instructional techniques. The books he wrote are called The Solution Book (1981), Discipline in the Secondary Classroom (1985), and Foundations (1992). These works from Sprick and some other researchers from this time period birthed what we now know as Positive Behavior Supports (PBS).

You cannot go to a meeting anymore where a discussion of classroom management does not include how to use PBS strategies. You would think this is great news and that since these strategies are emphasized so strongly that classrooms now days are these wonderful learning environments where the children’s needs are always met. The reality though is that there is a pervasive continuance of the belief that children should do what they are told to do and if they do not they should be punished. Often times not just punished but made the fool in front of all their peers so the shame and embarrassment will teach them a lesson about being respectful. To boot this is almost always governed by the teacher’s opinion that the child definitely “knows better” and that the teacher has “done everything right” to “control” the classroom.

If you are like me when you hear this kind of talk you stomach does a flip and you feel great sadness for the children. If you are like me you wonder how in the world is a child to learn how to be respectful when they are humiliated in front of their peers and supposed to learn about respect by being completely disrespected by their teacher. It is as if responding to behavior with negative punitive measures is the natural knee jerk reaction. Despite the attention given to the massive amount of research available that supports using positive behavior supports for a successful classroom and proves punitive measures do not work and more often increases negative behaviors, it is still way more common to see the use of punitive consequences than proactive positive supports.    

So I challenge you to think about your interactions with the people in your life to give the 5 to 1 philosophy a try. I have seen the proof that this works with our children in the schools. It is such a great sight and wonderful feeling to look upon a teacher who whole heartedly implements positive behavior supports in their classroom. You can feel the energy coming from the room and it is so positive. The children are engaged with the teacher, they smile and participate, and even the generally most challenging children feel wanted and try their best. I believe we all could use the 5 to1 strategy in all our relationships. Do you work with someone who is difficult to motivate? Try the 5 to 1 trick and see if they start wanting to try harder. Do you find that anytime you want to ask your partner to help more or complete unfinished projects it turns into a huge fight? Try the 5 to 1 trick and see if they are more willing. Do you find your teenage children constantly engaging in power struggles with you? You guessed it, try the 5 to 1 trick and see if the struggles subside.

So how do you give positive reinforcements? It is in all your actions, the words you use as well as your non-verbal language. Give frequent smiles to the person or high fives and pats on the back. Say thank you for the tasks they do complete. Every person wants to feel appreciated and stating your gratitude is a powerful reinforcement. Reward them with your time (especially children love and crave this), bake a sweet treat, send an appreciation card that maybe even includes a gift card, help them with a project, or tell them affirming statements like “great job” or “you are a rock star”. You can be as creative as you want to the idea is to make a point of actively showing you recognize and appreciate the work the person is doing.

I would love to hear your stories of using the 5 to 1 strategy within your relationships. Leave me a comment and let me know how it works in your life.

Power of Thought

When I was a little girl my mother would tell me I could do anything I put my mind to. I internalized these words and over the years have found the profound truth of this statement to reveal itself to me on deeper and deeper levels. One of the first experiences I had that opened my eyes to the power of my mind was when I was 19 years old and started having panic attacks. I had moved out of my parent’s house and was trying to pay rent and bills for the first time. I worked at a Subway Sandwich store and though I loved that job, it hardly covered my expenses. I lived with roommates and one day when they thought I was not home I overheard one of my roommates making fun of me and making a mockery of how I was struggling to make my way without the safety net of “mommy and daddy”. I thought this person was my friend and needless to say my feelings were deeply hurt. I left the house and went for a drive and on the highway I started to feel my chest getting heavy and my heart beating wildly. I felt terrified and thought I was going to pass out. I pulled over and after some time the intensity of the symptoms I was experiencing passed and I went on my way. I had no idea what a panic attack was and no idea I had just had one. All I knew was that I had no idea what to do with my life and I was completely freaked out.

After that experience every time I passed that spot on the highway where the initial panic attack happened I would have the same experience and have to pull over to calm down and let the panic attack pass. I went to the doctor after about a week and that is when I discovered I was having panic attacks. I remember so clearly the callous words of the doctor who told me he could put me on medication that would help that I would possibly have to take for the rest of my life or (and this part he said like it had about a 1% chance of working) I could get myself a self help book and try to use the suggested strategies. I said thank you for offering medications but I would rather use the strategies from a self help book. This is where the journey began.

I bought a book that had probably 300 pages and found one page that had a couple statements to repeat to myself when experiencing an attack and a breathing exercise to do while saying the statements. This one page gave me all the information I needed to make all the change in the world. I don’t remember the exact statement but something along the lines of “this is a panic attack, it will not kill you, you have gotten through this before and you will get through this now”. Then I would breathe in while counting to five, hold my breath while counting to five, and then breath out while counting to five. I also got some herbal pills that were supposed to help (which I later decided did nothing but a placebo effect). I changed my thoughts to believe that the things I was doing were going to work and guess what? It totally worked.

I continued to have panic attacks with decreased frequency over the next year or two. Now at this point in my life I cannot even remember the last time I had a panic attack. By raising my awareness of my automatic thoughts, learning to stop them and replace them with more helpful thoughts, I was able to overcome my anxiety and open the door to a life where I use my thoughts to create the life I desire. There have been plenty of ups and downs on my journey but as I have grown emotionally and mentally I have learned to use my hardships as well as my triumphs to help guide my thought processes to redirect my thoughts as needed to reach my goals and live my dreams.

There are several strategies I use to help develop my ability to choose the thoughts I desire and redirect the thoughts I don’t want. I love to read books that provide guided exercises for self-reflection and goal making. I find by doing exercises that get me to evaluate where I am at in my life, I am able to see clearly thought patterns that are helping and those that are harming my ability to reach my goals. Doing such exercises also helps raise my awareness of automatic thoughts that may be holding me back that were unbeknownst to me. It is crucial for an individual to gain control of their thoughts that they become aware of those insidious, usually deeply ingrained, automatic thoughts and learn to challenge them and ultimately banish and replace them with helpful empowering thoughts. Some great books I have used include: The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, Quantum Success: The Astounding Science of Wealth and Happiness by Sandra AnneTaylor , and any materials written by William Glasser on Choice Theory.

Another strategy I use is to say daily affirmations. Part of using thoughts to create a life you desire involves getting thoughts to penetrate into your subconscious mind and not only live in your conscious mind. Our conscious thoughts are like a car alternator. They keep the mind (car) running but the real source of the power is in the subconscious mind (battery). This is why simply thinking positive alone does not work to change the circumstances of an individual’s life.

The automatic thoughts I spoke of earlier come from something called “core beliefs”. Core beliefs are developed early in life and generally are beliefs that our childhood selves decided are true and we lock into our subconscious belief system at a very young age. The problem with this is that as children we do not have the maturity to discern if the messages we are receiving are accurate or if we are interpreting them accurately. For example, a child is innocently playing and singing to themselves when their parent comes home grumpy from a bad day at work, see’s the child having a great old time and out of resentment due to their personal level of unhappiness from work and other stressors says to the child, “stop that awful singing, all you are doing is making noise”. The child has no ability to understand the parent was speaking out of misdirected anger and that the comment reflects nothing on how well the child can or cannot sing. All the child hears is that their singing is awful and they are sad for upsetting their parent. As a result the child develops a core belief that they cannot sing, a belief they carry into adulthood.

We all carry core beliefs we developed in childhood into adulthood. Some are beneficial and we should keep them such as my belief from early on that we can do anything we put our minds to. Others are negative and completely invalid to who we are as adults. They cause us much suffering in the form of depression, anxiety, lack of confidence, and self-deprecation. These are the beliefs we need to challenge and learn to reframe in a way that suits who we want to be as adults. Core beliefs are deeply ingrained and take persistence and focused effort to overcome. Individuals who have reached a point in life where they find themselves consumed by negative beliefs about themselves or who can no longer function well enough to accomplish daily tasks will likely need professional help from a therapist or counselor to help them get in touch with and change negative core beliefs. However, all individuals will benefit at challenging their core beliefs by using books such as the ones I mentioned with exercises to do self-reflection and then replacing those beliefs with positive affirmations.

I have a morning routine of saying about affirmations everyday that support who I want to be and how I want to think about my life and circumstances. I visualize as I recite the affirmations myself already having acquired the state of being or material objects I desire as I say the affirmations. I also make vision boards with images cut out from magazines that reflect things I wish to manifest and sit in front of my vision board while I recite my affirmations. It is amazing how many things have come to be that I have created through focused thought, affirmations, and written word. Some examples of this are my moving to Hawaii, meeting the love of my life, getting a job I love, an amazing home to live in, a really cool motorcycle my sweet love packs me around on, and a deep sense and belief in myself that I can create the life I desire.

One last strategy I use is conscious thought replacement. I still have self-doubt and worrying thoughts that creep in and try to plant their seeds. This especially occurs if an upsetting event happens like an argument with my partner or a frustrating day at work. It does not matter that I am an optimist, that I do daily affirmations, or that I have knowledge about the destructive power of negative thoughts; they still creep in and try to sabotage my peace of mind. When this happens I use a simple self-talk strategy. I say to myself “thank you thought for your concern but you are not helpful and you can go away now”. If it is an especially persistent thought that does not go away after I dismiss it, I replace the thought with something more helpful. For example, maybe I think my partner is treating my unfairly and is a jerk. Instead I will tell myself that I love my partner and he loves me, arguments happen in relationships and we will be able to resolve the issue and move forward just like we have done every other time we have gotten upset with each other.

The bottom line is we can and do manifest in our lives what we put our minds to. We get to create the day every single morning when we wake up. What will you create for yourself today? Let me know or share other ways you harness the power of thought.

Why Cleaning Your Room Will Help You Overcome Depression

If you have clicked through my website and read my home page or my bit about self-improvement you will notice one word that I like to emphasize. That word is “action”. I emphasize this word because I believe any strategy an individual utilizes to manage or overcome depression depends on that individual being willing to do something to take action. The challenge with this is that when a person is depressing that act tends to consume them and leaves little will to act upon any other drive. This is where willingness comes in. It does not matter if you think your depression will never go away. All that matters is that you do want to stop depressing and are willing to take small actions to start moving forward.

So how does cleaning your room help? Most people who are struggling and depressing tend to spend a lot of time at home. It may even be difficult for them to leave home due to lack of motivation or anxieties. This makes the home ground zero for beginning the journey to wellness. We must work from where we are in life and learn how to use our environment to support us in reaching our goals. If the goal is to stop depressing and reach a state of feeling mentally well then we must look to our environment for the opportunities it offers to help us reach our goal. If you are stuck and finding it hard to feel mentally well follow these steps and see how your mood improves as you step into action.

Step 1: Find a timer. Most people now days have one on their phone. If you are unable to acquire a timer use music and pick two songs you can play to keep time for you.  

Step 2: Pick a time of day you are most likely to be awake and moving

Step 3: Commit to yourself you will do this activity at that set time everyday

Step 4: At your chosen time set your timer for 5 minutes or hit play on your songs

Step 5: Start cleaning. Day 1 might only consist of you grabbing a trash bag or bin and placing it in your room. The point is to stay in action mode for all 5 minutes.

Step 6: Continue cleaning everyday at your set time for 5 minutes. Start by throwing away any trash. Make sure once you fill the trash bag or bin you take it out of your room and place it where the trash goes. This may be your 5 minute activity for the day that is okay. Make sure it goes out for pick up on trash pickup day or find a way to get it to the dump. This may involve asking someone to help you. That is okay; make the asking for help your 5 minute activity for the day. Getting the trash out of the home is a very important step. Visualize as you take the trash out that you are shedding that mental weight that has been holding you back.

Step 7: Continue repeating this process every day. When all the trash is gone, start wiping down surfaces and cleaning windows and mirrors. Once you finish this task start going through your possessions and decide if you want to keep them or if they can go into a giveaway pile. If you make a giveaway pile grab a bag or box to place the giveaways into. When you fill a giveaway bag or box take it to a thrift shop or ask someone to help you do so. If you find you like doing the cleaning and want to do it for longer than 5 minutes then have at it. Just remember you only need to do this for 5 minutes a day, that’s it.

It has been heavily researched and reported that removing clutter and trash from one’s environment reduces anxiety, reduces stress, and improves mood. Allow yourself to reap these benefits and feel a sense of accomplishment for your hard work. You will feel better and be more able to do the work to manage and overcome your depression.

As an additional note…. For better or worse the mind is a marvelous and clever thought making machine. You may find at first your mind tries to sabotage your efforts to escape its grasp on your mental well being. Maybe at the set time you agreed to jump to action and start cleaning you find that all of a sudden you are unbearably tired or start to have a panic attack. This is okay! If you feel that weight of being so tired you think it would be unbearable to get up and start moving, tell yourself you will go back to sleep after the 5 minutes is through and that you can do this. Take a moment to ground yourself. Put your attention to your senses. What can you hear happening around you, what do you smell in the air, what sensations do you feel on your skin, what kind of taste do you have in your mouth, what can you look at that you find beautiful? Then take a deep breath, get up and set your timer and clean for 5 minutes. If you feel a panic attack coming on remind yourself it will come and go just like every panic attack you have ever had before. Do the grounding activity and allow the panic attack to pass. As soon as it passes set the timer and start cleaning. Your mind will learn that you are not going to allow its sabotaging efforts and you will find progressively over time you are better able to get going and do your cleaning at your chosen time. You are in control of your life and you can do this!

Finding the Path Through and Out of the Forest

I often find myself using analogies about finding a path when comforting my husband during the times when he is unable to see past the pain and challenges of the moment. His healing process after spinal cord injury has been slow and the pain he feels on a daily basis builds to a threshold at times that blocks his ability to see a future worth living. During these times I try not to say too much focusing more on providing my gentle touch and undivided attention. The few words I do offer though usually say something to the effect of there being a path forward from this point and that I will be right there with him navigating that path. I see this much like being in the thick of the forest following a trail you know eventually leads to a clearing with wide open views of expansive beauty and endless opportunities for a direction forward. 

Interestingly, we have lived in the middle of the forest for the past few years and in the next couple weeks will be moving to a property on a clearing with wide open views out of the forest. I can't help but think of the symbolism as we get set to make this change. I have dearly loved our time here in the woods surrounded by bird songs and the seclusion and protection of the trees. There is great beauty in the forest but it is an easy place to get stuck. The trail is easily covered, the nights are darker, and the days are colder. Trying to find a path that is covered when it is cold and dark can be a discouraging experience. I believe to find a way out one must ignite a light from within. By creating a clear vision of what you want the path to look like and believing it is there the path will then appear.